The Narrow Gate This story precedes the birth of SaneCoin and the release of Destiny 1 by at least 5 years. It is something that made an eerie sort of sense only in retrospect.

I am driving the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston. That’s I-90 East, the Mass Pike, as immortalized in song by James Taylor. It also connects my home to a place I frequent for work. It is a trip of many hours.

This trip, I stopped to see an old high school girlfriend. She is, in fact, the first person I ever fell in love with. I fell hard, and the relationship, which continued through college, was tumultuous. She never really returned my affection, and I never got the message.

For decades this woman has held a hold over a piece of my heart. I made time to stop and see her for coffee as I traveled from work to home. We are each married to others now and I don’t know why I do this, except out of masochism. It’s stupid that I let a small flame still burn for her so many years later. I have pledged the rest of me to another.

Except this time is different. She has been in therapy. She has a better picture of why she treated me as she did. While she isn’t apologetic, she now provides me with insight into her own mental turmoil that was at the heart of the troubles in our young life.

As I drive away, I have a profound realization. I don’t love her anymore - at least not with that tangled unrequited yearning. That thought process and emotional catharsis would take a story of its own to tell. It is too personal to share here. I would not include the detail of her involvement at all in this tale, except I think it may be fundamental.

In any event, I feel a lightness in me. Sunshine is penetrating a part of my soul that has been caged for ages. I feel a freedom rise from this obsession of my teenage youth. As it dissolves, I realize just how much I had blinded myself to my own feelings on the subject. While I am able to paint a concise picture these many years later, dear reader, I was not so self-aware on the subject back then.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had a psychological block let go? It’s like taking off your shoes and walking on warm grass again at the start of summer.

But the drive is long. So while I am in a good mood, this realization is prelude. My mind moves on to other subjects as the miles tick by.

In particular, at that time I am listening to a CD by the Teaching Company on Eastern Philosophy. Yes, this is so long ago that there are no iPods or streaming or Sirius Radio. So for my long trips to pass the time I consume educational college lectures - “The Great Courses!” the ads promise - on philosophy and religion and particle physics.

I wish I could remember exactly which class it was. But that detail is lost to time. Those discs were donated to a charity thrift shop many moons ago. It is on Eastern Philosophy - Buddhism, I’m fairly certain. But I do not recall more.

What I remember, however, is coming up with a meditative breathing exercise. One I still practice today. One I recommend to you. You will see, in a moment, that this exercise is deeply esoteric, even though I did not know that word then.

Breathe in through your nose slowly and fully. Intone the mantra “I am.” As your breath fills you, let your spirit fill you. Feel your body fully. Feel your skin. As this cycle repeats, feel the energy on your skin. Feel the barrier where you interface with all else. Feel yourself extend beyond your physical body. Feel your power and weight and impact on the Universe. Fill your lungs to bursting as you expand.

“I am.”

Then breathe out through your mouth. A slow, steady exhale. Intone “I am not.” Feel the universe rush in to fill you as your person and power dwindle to a pinpoint. Feel the enormity of destiny and the world manhandling you and surrender to them. There is relief in that surrender.

Exhale until your diaphragm squeezes. With each iteration of this process, let go further. Surrender more. Empty yourself of you. You’ll realize that you are still there - even as you surrender fully. Or something is there, anyway. Even as all will goes and as you let the threads of the universe take you, some awareness remains.

Continue this process for some time.

Inhale. I am.

Exhale. I am not.

Inhale. I am.